Stage Slaps

rob-neyer

The 2005 South By South West Music Festival

Recently I read a NotGraphs post by the wonderful Carson Cistulli about the wonderful Rob Neyer.  Afterward, I remembered, perhaps correctly, but perhaps not, that Mr. Neyer once wrote that he attended consecutive Sonic Youth concerts.  I also remembered that Mr. Neyer lives in Portland, Oregon, the titular land of Carrie Brownstein’s Portlandia – the very same Carrie Brownstein of the band Sleater-Kinney.  In an attempt to amuse myself and others, I left the following comment:

Many years ago, I once saw an inebriated Rob Neyer run on stage at a Sleater-Kinney concert. He performed a thirty-second air-guitar solo, then nervously handed Carrie Brownstein a note from his pocket. She read it and slapped him, then kissed him passionately. The band later thanked him in the liner notes of their second album.

Enamored with the comment’s structure and potential for variations on the theme, I created a few more, each of which contains lies of the bold-faced variety and some bit of true detail relevant to the baseball personality discussed in that particular post.  Each comment begins with a dramatic taking-of-the-stage maneuver, followed by some manner of outrageous behavior, and culminates with an indignant slapping of the protagonist.  The particular comment below regards a Floridian, and therefore in the eyes of the BBB editorial staff, is the thing on which this entire collection hangs its hat.

***********************************************************************

Many years ago, I witnessed a drunken Tom Emanski clamber atop the first base dugout at his Baseball World training grounds in Fern Park, Florida. To the surprise of none of the 11-and-under class, Mr. Emanski let loose a profane, yet meandering, tirade at the children’s lack of hustle during PFP drills. Eventually becoming sleepy and forgetful as to the reason he began speaking, Mr. Emanski lay down and began napping. The children, seeking retaliation, climbed onto the dugout and slapped their coach repeatedly with the rosin bag and his demanding clipboard.

********************************************************************

1987_topps_ZaneSmith-701371 Many years ago, at the Omni Coliseum in Atlanta, I witnessed a drunken Zane Smith stumble on stage at a Bob Seger concert. During a particularly heartfelt rendition of “We’ve Got Tonight”, Mr. Smith held aloft his Zippo lighter and somehow managed to ignite his mullet and eyebrows. A cadre of roadies slapped Mr. Smith repeatedly with stage rugs until he was able to walk off of his own accord, leaving nothing behind but regret and the charred remains of a Ronnie James Dio concert tee.

***********************************************************************

stevestone

Many years ago, I saw a drunken Steve Stone grab the mic from a piano songstress at the Ambassador East Hotel lounge in Chicago. Mr. Stone then lowered his trousers and said, “I’ve got some ivories you can tickle.” An enraged Harray Caray bounded on stage and slapped Mr. Stone about the head and neck. The songstress and Mr. Caray shared twenty-five beautiful years together before she succumbed to tertiary syphilis in 1987.

harry-caray-time-com

*******************************************************************

photo

Many years ago, I saw a shirtless and inebriated Dayn Perry jump on stage at a White Lion concert. He performed a thirty-second air-guitar solo, then vomited on a Marshall amplifier. The lead singer slapped him, then kissed him passionately. The band later thanked him in their Grammy Award acceptance speech.

White+Lion+whitelyn

Advertisements

Baseballers brawl in Australia, Florida scarcely involved

The following points represent entirely reasonable justifications for posting to a site devoted to Florida baseball, video of a brawl which took place in the Australian Baseball League: The base runner rounding third base, Patrick Leonard, is currently a member of the Tampa Bay Rays organization.  He was acquired from the Royals as part of […]

Let’s Replace the Word Half-inning: An Update

Nearly two years ago now, the BBB proposed a new word to replace the awkward and awful sounding “half-inning” forevermore.   At every utterance, it is preceded by hesitation as the speaker searches in vain for a better word to describe either the top or bottom of an inning.  And so, as required by the […]

Ejection Video: Billy Gardner Jr., Montgomery Biscuits

Hello everyone!!!  Greetings from the American Workplace, where happiness is mandatory and important work gets done while everyone pretty much acts like an asshole.  Today we bring you the latest in Ejection Video, straight from the Baseball Grounds of Jacksonville.  The BBB staff of analysts, hangers on, groupies and what have you, requisitioned the company […]

Inflatamaniacs

  Attention reader:  Please power on your home all-in-one printer/copier/scanner.  Use the all-in-one printer/copier/scanner software to ensure your device’s color ink cartridge levels are sufficient.  With your feet shoulder width apart, bend at the knees and print this internet post containing the Inflatamaniacs character biographies shown below. Using a no. 2 pencil and your wooden […]

On-sale dates for 2014 spring training tickets

Happy New Year, everyone.  Now that last night’s distilled spirits have frightened away the sugarplum fairies in your head, it’s time to turn your attention to spring training.  Thanks to the good folks at SpringTrainingOnline.com and their informative email newsletter, we have below the on-sale dates for individual Grapefruit League spring training tickets.  The BBB […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: