The Dayn Perry Chap Flap

Recently, the world of independent publishing was shaken to its core by the release of Drinking with Boileryard Clarke:  Dayn Perry Celebrates Baseball & Himself.  Hand-bound by the gentlemanly, yet ostentatiously mustachioed Robert J. Baumann, this chapbook is a collection of entertaining NotGraphs posts written by the aforementioned celebrator and notorious Chicago ruffian, Dayn Perry.

A Mississippi native, Mr. Perry has on many occasions lobbed gravely insulting remarks about the Sunshine State into our Florida pool from across the border.  Here is a link to the most skillful example.  All other examples are merely the shit-smeared, crumpled scrawls of a madman, and they currently reside in an evidence locker at the governor’s mansion in Tallahassee. 

Despite Mr. Perry’s distaste for our great state, I must say that I adore his creative writing.  So, I agreed to purchase the new release under one condition:  by way of a personal inscription in the chapbook, Mr. Perry must apologize to the BBB and renounce all of his defamatory comments made at Florida’s expense.

Mr. Perry feigned agreement with my request, but on the first page of the chapbook I found his curt rejoinder:

ForDavidsigfff

Aghast and alarmed, I resigned myself to the fact that Mr. Perry was intransigent in his position – his lofty position as an aristocrat of the Mississippi bayou.

Months passed with no update to this story, until just a few days ago.  While perusing Twitter for recycled online shopping discount codes, I happened across the following tweet:

pancho096For those unaware of their comedic rivalry, the joke here is that Mr. Perry sent Mr. Cistulli a prank gift that will no doubt leave Mr. Cistulli blinking and be-sooted following the cartoon explosion.  I assume the tweet came from a mutual friend of the two, and he would soon deliver the package to Mr. Cistulli.

I examined the handwriting on the gift and compared it to the inscription I received months ago.  Lo and behold, the capital D does not match!  The person who penned the inscription is not the same person who wrote the gift tag!  Don your deerstalker, retrieve the hand lens from your satchel and review the evidence for yourself.  The capital D in the greeting and signature of the inscription contain lateral pen strokes above and below the vertical stem, to the left.  The capital D on the gift tag does not contain such a flourish.  It is much more rudimentary, you see.

So whose handwriting belongs to which item?  It is obvious to me that Mr. Perry wrote the tag on the Christmas present himself.  If Mr. Perry were attempting to murder Mr. Cistulli, renowned for his exploits among the Parisian battle royale underground, he would not have delegated such a dicey task to an assistant.  He would have done it himself.  An inscription to an admiring fan, however?  Well, that can be pawned off easily to a junior associate the likes of Mr. Baumann.  It is clear, however, that the profane thoughts in the inscription are Mr. Perry’s own.  The alliterative triad shown above is not even the worst of it.  The absolute worst parts are not fit for even the wilds of the Internet.  Clearly, no one but Dayn Perry could achieve such vulgarity.

In summary, I suspect Mr. Perry deceived me regarding the apology, cashed my Diners Club travelers cheque in the amount of $9.00, and then forced Mr. Baumann to transcribe his awful thoughts before packaging them for delivery to me via the post.  I have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and dare I say, flimflammed, and Messrs. Perry and Baumann are to blame.

God save the great state of Florida and the inviolate principles she represents.

—————————————-

Please know that this post is comprised almost entirely of lies.  Bold-faced lies.  Lies of omission.  I love Messrs. Perry and Baumann.  I love and fear Mr. Cistulli.

Advertisements

Baseballers brawl in Australia, Florida scarcely involved

The following points represent entirely reasonable justifications for posting to a site devoted to Florida baseball, video of a brawl which took place in the Australian Baseball League: The base runner rounding third base, Patrick Leonard, is currently a member of the Tampa Bay Rays organization.  He was acquired from the Royals as part of […]

Let’s Replace the Word Half-inning: An Update

Nearly two years ago now, the BBB proposed a new word to replace the awkward and awful sounding “half-inning” forevermore.   At every utterance, it is preceded by hesitation as the speaker searches in vain for a better word to describe either the top or bottom of an inning.  And so, as required by the […]

Ejection Video: Billy Gardner Jr., Montgomery Biscuits

Hello everyone!!!  Greetings from the American Workplace, where happiness is mandatory and important work gets done while everyone pretty much acts like an asshole.  Today we bring you the latest in Ejection Video, straight from the Baseball Grounds of Jacksonville.  The BBB staff of analysts, hangers on, groupies and what have you, requisitioned the company […]

Inflatamaniacs

  Attention reader:  Please power on your home all-in-one printer/copier/scanner.  Use the all-in-one printer/copier/scanner software to ensure your device’s color ink cartridge levels are sufficient.  With your feet shoulder width apart, bend at the knees and print this internet post containing the Inflatamaniacs character biographies shown below. Using a no. 2 pencil and your wooden […]

On-sale dates for 2014 spring training tickets

Happy New Year, everyone.  Now that last night’s distilled spirits have frightened away the sugarplum fairies in your head, it’s time to turn your attention to spring training.  Thanks to the good folks at SpringTrainingOnline.com and their informative email newsletter, we have below the on-sale dates for individual Grapefruit League spring training tickets.  The BBB […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: