Minors Imitating Majors: Nick Goody


You may click to enlarge the Funk.

You may click to enlarge the Funk.

There are some among us whose style, whose carriage, is so unique we are compelled to imitate it.  We should forgive ourselves of this, and rebuke those who would deny us our imitation, for we are but mortal and cannot be expected to throw on the bedraggled rags of shabbiness when the vestments of divine Funk are near.  Like Eddie Murphy robed in the sweaty velvet of Soul, we dip our toes into the Celebrity Tub that is HOT, and in the process, stave off banality for one more day.

Nick Goody

So Please, Please, Please, join me in remarking that Nick Goody, number 58 of the Tampa Yankees, resembles Jonathan Papelbon, also number 58, of the Philadelphia Phillies.  Let us enumerate as we contemplate the ways in which they are similar:

1.       Pre-pitch flat back

2.      Pre-pitch hanging right arm

3.      Pre-pitch left foot double tap

4.      Pre-pitch glove positioning at right shoulder

5.      Mid-delivery left knee raise across body

6.      Mid-delivery high right leg whip

7.      Post-pitch hop


First, the exemplar (Sep. 30, 2012):

Now, the mimic.  The official BBB videographer, who it seems is apathetic towards the lint on his lens or he would have done something about it by now, captured video of Mr. Goody at Florida Auto Exchange Stadium in Dunedin (Aug 29, 2012):

The attentive viewer will note Mr. Goody discourages stolen base attempts by expediting his knee raise while third base is open and a runner is on second, but that doing so is unnecessary while second and third bases are occupied.

This has been the second installment of Minors Imitating Majors


Hark! The Herald Hornblowers Blow

Angel Choir

When important things happen it is imperative that we celebrate with the blowing of horns.  The Herald Angels knew this, as do the self-assured retirees at Florida Auto Exchange Stadium in Dunedin.

Who amongst us has not yearned to bellow thusly?  This is not simply the unmodulated cacophony of fools and dumb children, as it was that horrible night in Miami when the Marlins handed out free vuvuzelas.  This is strategic!  So let the denizens of that far dugout hear the grey lions roar!  Then, as conquerors, we shall return to the somewhat old yet virtuous women of the Sunset Village Retirement Community and we shall bruise in them the serpent’s head, joining Thine to ours, and ours to Thine, as the randy hymnal suggests all good Christians do.

Brett Lawrie Needs to Adjust Himself

When Major Leaguers are rehabilitating from injury, they frequently play a few games for their franchise’s Minor League affiliate just before returning to the Bigs.  Such was the case for Toronto Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie during a recent Florida State League Division Championship game at Florida Auto Exchange Stadium in Dunedin.  Now, a while back over at Tropicana Field, the BBB scouting department had previously entered into their Atari Portfolio PDA that Brett Lawrie is a fidgety sort, fussing and twitching and adjusting himself throughout the entirety of his defensive outings.  So, we were primed to notice his behavior at this Minor League game, where we moved in to capture some close-up video and synchronize it to horns and whistles for your giggly entertainment.

Thank you for watching.  You may now return to your Taco Bell entrée and Jerry Bruckheimer production.


Saddest Bear Ever

The Saddest Bear Ever

I am Saddest Bear Ever.  I shrink from the forefront like a violet undressed.  My countenance of woe and raised eyebrows question, “Does anyone love me?”  It’s hard to tell sometimes, you know?

You see, I’m not like the others.  Rocky the Bull, that majestic bovine stallion, blesses us with his broad shoulders, his proud snout and those beautiful horns of gold.  I don’t have those.  Phinley the Shark keeps the party rolling with shredded Bermudas and tons of pretty lady friends.  I don’t have those either.  Let’s not  forget the centerpiece of this handsome group, Aaron’s Rent-to-Own Furniture NASCAR Racing Dog, brandishing that champion’s charisma like a weapon aimed straight at my broken little heart.

Who am I kidding?  My glass and Chick-fil-A Cow’s will never mingle and clink tastefully at the after-party.  I will not know the dashing thrill of a Jet’s Pizza Man’s rocket ride.  No mascot groupies will share come-hither glances with a loser the likes of me.  Why am I even here?  I should leave.

I am Saddest Bear Ever.

May 12, 2012

Florida Auto Exchange Stadium

Dunedin, FL


Michigan Catcher’s Helmet


Things that are two toned are visually interesting.  Things that have stripes painted on them are usually quite sporty.  A thing that is two toned, has three stripes painted on it, and has a wing on the front is both bold and fanciful.  Such is the case with the University of Michigan baseball catcher’s helmet. 

The merely astute reader will note that Michigan is not in Florida.  However, the knowing reader will calmly clear his throat, close his eyes and gently shake his head at the merely astute reader for he is aware that Clearwater, St. Petersburg, and Dunedin played host to the 2012 Big 10 Big East Baseball Challenge this weekend prior.  The author was in attendance on opening night, Friday, at Dunedin’s Florida Auto Exchange Stadium, which is as appealing to the eye as its name is to the ear.  Shining through the visual blight was the aforementioned thing of two colors, maize and blue, festooned with three stripes and a wing, slightly modified from the iconic Michigan football helmet.  Dating back to 1938, the helmet is a striking reminder that the Michigan man who dons such headgear is marked by smartness in dress, and yet, is rough in manner, should it come to that, as it frequently does for a man of sporting action.  The dashing headpiece should also remind you that a Michigan catcher (a) is likely to stir impure thoughts deep within your otherwise chaste sweetheart should he be given half a chance, and (2) is apathetic toward your feeble protestations of strike three:

Postscript:  Michigan baseball has a long and hilariously dressed tradition.  Regrettably, and as recently as 2009, the author was known to fashion his hair in a manner not unlike that of the 1886 team.  Those scallywags.