JEtbLue pArk, The Singularity, and The Apocalypse

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Return visitors here know the BBB takes kindly to a lot of things, but Red Sox Nation ain’t one of ’em.  However, like a doomsday cult leader the morning after The Big Day, we are amenable to new interpretations.  In light of the rescheduled apocalypse, we went about the delightful task of securing spring training tickets for this coming February (YAY!).  

While engaged in this wildly giddy task, we were presented with even greater delights in the form of sweet, sweet technological advance.  You see, it is now possible to comparison shop for seats at JEtbLue pArk.  Just click on one of the sections located here, and you will be transported, as if by a magical comet ride, to the spring training home of Red Sox Nation in Fort Myers, Florida.  

Is your seat in the shade?  Is it near the aisle, or in the first row of the section, perhaps?  Technology can provide us these answers now.  So, on the day of the real apocalypse, be comforted by that fact even while the snake god Kukulkan emerges from his stone temple and tears the flesh from your skeleton, sending it headlong into the abyss, and then into The Singularity, and then back into the abyss once more, with feeling.


JEtbLue pArk Scoreboard

The reader should know this BBB contributor has a day job which requires him to wear fancy pants and to answer the phone when it makes a noise.  This job requires him to speak of things “going forward” and to “leverage” those things and to reply with “warm regards” to electronic internet mail about those things.  When alone and desiring nothing other than to produce or consume baseball writing, this contributor may refer to these requirements as his “stupid fucking job” even though he is exceedingly grateful to have it and he knows it is far from stupid.  But you see, at times when he must sleep before going to work, or iron his fancy pants in preparation for work, or be present at work when he would much rather imbibe baseball’s sweet, chin-dripping nectar, this contributor may be forgiven for referring to his employment with the aforementioned vulgarity.

It should also be noted there has been a bit of controversy at the BBB since you last joined us.  The leader of this outpost offered a gift to the commander of a much, much larger outfit and that gift was rejected, quickly and without much comment.  As many gifts do, it also benefited the giver through appearance of thoughtfulness or of skill in creating said gift, slightly, but measurably so.  However, the net generosity of the gift was not appreciated and its existence nullified.  I will not go into further detail about the recipient.  Suffice it to say he appears entrenched in his position and cannot be dug out, not even for a million bucks, I’ll bet.  Instead, I will share with you video treasure I pirated away from Jetblue Park, a name I insist on capitalizing because of the official BBB stance on ridiculously creative corporate name capitalization.

With the preceding thoughts in mind, this contributor hopes the reader will forgive the tardiness of this dispatch.  The source material dates back to March 3rd, 2012, exactly 16 days prior.  The subject of the source material dates back even further, decades in fact.  It is big and green and like most things lately, an embarrassment to Red Sox Nation:

Despite the September meltdown, the Red Sox offense plated 875 runs in 2011, more than any other team in the majors.  That offense is still punishing, and the wretched scoreboard operators who must update the scoreboard from the outside in between play, can woefully attest to this fact.  What happened on March 3rd, inaugural day at JEtbLue pArk, is what happens when an unstoppable force meets a fanciful notion.  En route to a 25-0 victory over Northeastern University, the Red Sox, who like to pick on people not of their own size, scored touchdowns in the 2nd, 4th, and 6th innings.  Mercifully, the game was scheduled for only 7 innings as there was another game set for later that day.

The more important takeaway from this game is that the scoreboard, formerly in operation at Fenway Park for many years, was brought out of storage to be installed at JEtbLue pArk, where it cannot be operated from the inside.  It is for this reason the scoreboard is a fine example of an excellent idea poorly executed.  Red Sox Nation begins this season as it finished the last, with regret over things not done properly.  As a Rays fan and one who fosters friendly rivalry, I say that regret is well-deserved.  They are after all, Red Sox Nation, and as such, deserve all bad things.


Red Sox Fans are Vile People


Click to magnify the transgressors’ drunken scrawls.


The fact that Red Sox fans are ruthless, vulgar, and cause trouble has been previously articulated. The official BBB photographer captured pictorial evidence in support of this fact Saturday at the inaugural game of JEtbLue pArk, the Red Sox shimmering new spring training home in Fort Myers, Florida. Unsurprisingly, the Red Sox fans, known for their poor impulse control and general wickedness, saw fit to defile the pristine yellow foul pole marking the divide between what is allowed and what is not. It surprises the author Red Sox Nation even installed such a structure, given its apparent disregard for boundaries of any nature and its repudiation of The Social Contract. As my Meemaw used to say, “Fools’ names and fools’ faces often appear in public places.” If Meemaw were alive today, she would no doubt have stern words for the tanked up hooligans atop Green Monster South.